Ever felt like the unwanted one?
It seems like everyone else seems to be having people drawn to them so easily but the opposite applies to you.
As introverts we naturally have a quiet and calm demeanour. When compared to those who seem more expressive and outgoing, it seems like we can never win.
But who ever said this was a competition?
And how did we make that assumption?
For years, I often felt like the one that people didn’t want to be around or get to know primarily because of this. But how did I come to that conclusion?
Here is what I realized.
Our brain can play tricks on us
Our introverted brains can play tricks on us. It can lead us to make assumptions that don’t reflect reality. It can do this in the following ways:
- Negative Filtering
With the way we are wired as introverts, we may have a tendency to focus on negative experiences or outcomes more than positive ones. This cognitive bias, known as negative filtering, can lead to us assuming that social interactions will be uncomfortable or unsuccessful, even when our past experiences may not support that belief. - Overthinking and rumination
Because we process our thoughts much more deeply, it can lead to overthinking. This rumination can cause us to fixate on worst-case scenarios or potential negative judgments from others, creating anxiety about social situations that may not be justified. - Social Anxiety
For introverts that have social anxiety, this can often make us feel uncertain about how we are perceived by others. This anxiety can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, where our fear of rejection leads us to withdraw from social interactions, further reinforcing our feelings of being unwanted. - Amygdala Response
The heightened emotional response driven by the amygdala, the place in our brain that is involved in processing our emotions, can lead us introverts into perceiving social situations as threatening. This perception can create a feeling of isolation, making us believe that others don’t want to engage with us or want to be around us, even if that isn’t the case. - Confirmation Bias
If we ourselves feel unwanted, confirmation bias will make us actively look for evidence that supports this idea. This could lead to us to unconsciously seek out or interpret information that confirms any pre-existing beliefs about ourselves. - Emotional reasoning
Emotional reasoning is where we use our past experiences to dictate our present and future. We allow what we experienced in the past to make us assume that the current situation is the same when it isn’t. For example, there have been times where I have allowed for the rejection I felt in the past to label situations with other people in the same way when it wasn’t the case.
The resolution
Given the above, whenever we feel unwanted, we have to ask ourselves these questions:
- Is it that I am unwanted, or could my mind actually be playing tricks on me in any of the above ways?
- Is it that I am unwanted or I myself don’t see myself as one worthy of such interaction.
- Have I made up people’s minds for them based on my own thoughts inspired by my past pains?
- Do I even like myself?
When you start to feel like the one people don’t want, you have to question where that is coming from. Who told you that?
From there you can start to begin a journey of setting your mind right so you don’t allow such thoughts to hinder you from moving forward.
Name it but don’t claim it. Don’t let it linger
When we are able to ask ourselves these deep questions about the root of why we feel this way, we unearth that what we are feeling could not be the truth.
And as a result, we must dispel that lie immediately. We can’t let it linger. We must replace that thought with truth.
I am reminded of the story of Eve and the serpent in the Bible back in Genesis.
The serpent influenced by the enemy was able to plant seeds of doubt that I believe simply gave ammunition to what had already been there in her mind already.
The more the doubts about her identity lingered and were entertained, the more likely for them to lead to something detrimental, life-altering, and destiny-disrupting like it did for both Adam and Eve (Read Genesis 2 and 3 for a full backstory).
It goes to show that if we start to believe such things like “I am unwanted”, and let those thoughts linger, it can cause us to make decisions that have the potential to hurt us later.
So now that you know that your brain can sometimes play tricks on you, the importance of asking yourself some deep questions whenever such feelings arise, and not letting such thoughts linger, we have created 10 truth statements rooted in God’s word that you, as a purpose-driven introverted women, can declare to replace the lies of feeling unwanted:
Download free resource here: 10 truth statements to replace the lie of being unwanted
Refuse to be a victim and embrace God’s love
There was a time where I felt unwanted and you know what I wanted to do? Isolate. I didn’t want to be “social” anymore. But I remember one of the words God spoke to me which was along the lines of “get out of that victim’s mentality”.
I had to turn the mirror away from others and look into it myself. By the grace of God, I ended up doing the opposite of what I felt like doing and you know what, I was better for it.
All that time what I was projecting on others was actually what deep down I felt about myself.
I was allowing emotional reasoning, confirmation bias, overthinking and all the other tricks my brain could play on me, to cause me to start thinking thoughts of being unwanted.
I had to reach the place of embracing myself in God knowing that I am His forever and adopted into His love.
The feeling of being unwanted is not just something that comes up but is deeply rooted in something more.
In addition to what has already been mentioned, there may be an element of self-love and Fatherly Love in God that you have not fully experienced yet and is thus hindering your ability to see it in others.
So dear introvert maybe you are feeling like the unwanted one in the group and it is making you question your purpose in God and where He has you.
But I want you to ask yourself these questions,
- Is it them or is it me?
- Am I perceiving their actions based on my own feelings towards myself and what I experienced in the past? Is my brain just playing tricks on me?
- Have I fully grasped self-love and God’s love and acceptance of me?
It is about being open, honest and transparent with yourself that you will be able to uncover the root and start a journey of believing and declaring the truth of what God says about you.
Resources:
Subscribe to the Thriving Introvertly Newsletter for more resources to help you on your journey to being all of who God created you to be.
Download free resource: 10 truth statements to replace the lie of being unwanted
Read this next:
Read: How to love yourself as an introvert, the biblical way
Have you ever felt like the unwanted one? What did you or are you doing to combat this feeling? Comment below to help others in the community!
